The Hedges are Bugging Me

Tuesday I went for my weekly walk with my friend John. We started at ComedySportz and walked to the Morrison Bridge and back. It was 4.8 miles – a good haul for us both.

I got home around 7:40 and it was still summer and sunny out. I parked my bike on the street, as I am wont to do when there is no potential of rain. When parking on the street, I have to back my bike up to the curb then lean it. As I was backing it up I became engulfed in branches and leaves. Thank goodness my bike is red, otherwise I’d never be able to find it in the jungle that is the front yard overgrowth.

I ran into the house, grabbed the truck keys and headed to Home Depot for hedge trimmers and Safeway for pot roast. Don’t judge me – I am about to be super-efficient.

Andrew was leaving for a week and a half the next evening – every year he goes to his International Cult Re-Indoctrination and Kool-Aid Social (AKA ComedySportz Worldwide Championship – this year in Chicago).  I wanted to send him off in style and well fed so he’d remember to come back. With the pot roast in the oven I went outside to unbury my motorcycle from the wooly mammoth I had parked it in.

I started in on the first of four hedges and managed to clean it up in no time flat. The next three were going to be more difficult as I am pretty sure they had not been trimmed since Lindsey Lohan was sober. I buckled down and started hacking. After about an hour, Snuffleupagus was no more. While hacking through the three shrubs I had apparently come across a hive of ninja mosquitos – they were silent and swift. I hadn’t even realized the devastation of their attack until the next day. I am pretty allergic to mosquito bites and often get welts. However, as luck would have it, I have found the One Ointment to rule them all.

About 8 years ago I was attacked by a horde of mosquitos – I am delicious. I was SO itchy and pained that I could not sleep because as soon as I would fall asleep I would start scratching, which would wake me up; because, I was raw from scratching. It was like 1 AM and the ex, formerly-known- as-husband, had already made it quite clear that he’d had enough of my itching and scratching, and I needed to do something about it because he had to work the next day.

I went to the bathroom and put hydrocortisone cream on my bites. Nothing. I may as well have been dabbing water on. I tried calamine lotion. Now the bites were itchy and crusty. I started pulling every tube of anything out of the cabinet and trying it. Hand lotion? no – but now my bites smelled like vanilla and burned slightly more. A&D Ointment from when I was tattooed? no – that’s right mosquito bites are more painful and harder to treat than a tattoo (same response to Vaseline). Lotrimin? no – apparently mosquito bites do not contain athlete’s foot venom. Vagisil? no – but at least there would be no yeast infection. Preparation H? hells to the yeah! Yep, that is right. Preparation H relieves swelling and itching. So, next time someone says mosquito bites are a pain in the ass, you can know what an apt sentiment that is.

About 20 minutes after I’d finished cleaning up the yard, Andrew got home. I fed him the pot roast and showed him the trimmed bushes – even though it was kind of dark and I was kind of tired. I went to bed feeling super-efficient and lightly woozy from all of the bloodletting.