I was almost killed Tuesday.
There was a lot of traffic on the wet highway. I was riding my motorcycle and trying to merge into the left hand lane when the truck that was behind the open space I was merging into started speeding up and tried running me out of the lane. Unfortunately, I had nowhere to go because I was already next to the car I had been passing. Mostly, I just had to not lose my cool and hope that he didn’t swerve into me.
When I say truck I don’t mean a dinky little truck, like Toyotas where they remove the letters so it only says “Toy” to show they were self aware. I mean this was a truck that was so big that you use its attributes when you talk about it. It wasn’t a truck – it was an extended-cab flat-bed four-wheel-drive.
I was a little more than shaken up.
As soon as we crossed the bridge from Washington into Oregon I started plotting my revenge. Oregon plates 617 BCD with a University of Hawaii window decal, I am going to follow you to work and when I get there I am going to ask you why you were trying to kill me. No, I am following you to work and I am going to ask your boss if she knows what an asshole you are. No, I am going to find a lawyer and sue you for assault. Eventually, time won out and I calmed down. I got out from behind TRUCK and started heading to my work.
But traffic was still slow, so I ended up right next to the jerk and his window was down because he was smoking (at least I wasn’t the only one he was trying to kill). I looked over and just asked him, “Why did you try to kill me?”
“You tried to cut me off bitch! I don’t care if you’re a fucking girl. Don’t cut me off you dumb bitch!”
All the calm I had found evaporated and I said, “Fuck you. You are an asshole. I don’t have protection just a helmet. YOU tried to KILL ME you mother-fucking cocksucker.”
And then I immediately felt bad.
Not because he wasn’t an asshole.
Not because I lost my cool.
I felt bad because I realized that calling someone a cocksucker is like pejoratively calling him gay. And this little asshole couldn’t hold a candle to my gay brethren. So I looked at this guy again and said. “No you aren’t a cocksucker.”
Then I called him a different C word and rode off to work.